August 15, 2007
Today, I had a moment to think, and I reflected on a couple of things.
For one, I realized that I am just now beginning to come to terms with being a cancer survivor. I know, some people might think, well, treatment’s over, it’s done, and that’s it, but for most breast cancer survivors, as I am sure is true for others who survive cancer, the treatment is the first phase of dealing with the disease, the other part is dealing with the aftermath, because your life is never the same again.
I have met some people who have had breast cancer and want to forget about it. I can respect their wishes, but I just can’t forget. I refuse. I owe it to myself to remember. I owe it to the women being diagnosed every few minutes to remember. I owe it to the ones who survive on this Earth, and the ones whose souls survive, but their physical bodies don’t, and they move on to the next phase of their existence.
I owe it to my daughter and her unborn children. I would never be able to look squarely into her eyes if I did nothing. I owe it to the future generations of people who may be affected by breast cancer. Whenever I look in the mirror and wonder what mark I want to leave in the world, I know that I owe it to me. I owe it to my grandmother, Louise who passed away last year, right after my treatment, because she is watching over me and I told her that I would make a change and make the world a better place, if only for one person, I would do it, as she had for many.
Breast cancer survivorship is such an integral part of me and who I am now and how I have redefined myself. It is not to say that my life is all about breast cancer, but it changed my life in some pretty scary, amazing, wonderful and unpredictable ways. It bettered my life in ways I wouldn’t have imagined, but it also left me with some questions that I wonder about, not every day, but often enough….like two weeks ago.
I was feeling nauseated and ignored it. I figure, I’ve dealt with chemo and kicked its a-s, so what’s up with this nausea, it’s nothing. I can handle this… It will pass. Well, it didn’t. Four days later, it had gotten worse, I began throwing up, and scared to eat, didn’t eat or drink much and well, I ended up in the emergency room getting fluids and a dose of my favorite anti-nausea medication, Zofran. Zofran was my best friend during chemo, and it was my best friend again that day…good ole Zofran. Haha. For those of you who know me, you know I laugh at just about everything…okay…no digressing. Anyway, what struck me about that experience was that, by the time I got to the emergency room, I felt so bad that I had convinced myself that it was cancer all over again. I couldn’t stand up straight, I was in such pain and so nauseated. I was totally convinced that it was last year all over again. By the time I got to the doctor’s station to be examined, I was nearly in hysterics – mostly internally – but I knew I was there. For most people who haven’t dealt with something like cancer, they can never imagine what it is like to get the flu or a cold or something as simple as a headache and immediately start worrying about metastasis or recurrence. People think you’re making a big deal out of nothing, but they don’t understand that when you fight something like cancer and beat it, as strong as you are, there is always that thought in the back of your mind…what if.
Now, I am a firm believer in the Creator and have oceans of faith, but I also believe that there is a season for everything, every person and every creature, and when it is time to go, it is time to go; but, my season is now, and especially after surviving cancer, I love my season more than ever and I’m determined not to go anywhere…and I’m not –at least not for at least 70 or 80 years. I’m determined to live to be over a hundred, and you know I’ll do it.
After I got home from the hospital, I lay curled up in a fetal position for what seemed like an eternity, then, soon enough, I was back up and out in the world. As I walked into work that Monday, tugging my laptop behind me, with my purse on my arm, cell phone in one hand, Starbucks in the other, and my face turned up toward the sun, I closed my eyes, smiled, and thought to myself, “It is so damned good to be alive!” Then, I yelled it out loud, “I’m ALIVE!!!!!” A lady in a car slowed and looked at me strangely, but that’s okay. She didn’t understand; and that was okay. The warmth of the sun felt beautiful. I loved the way the light kissed my face. I felt better. The doctor had told me that it wasn’t cancer again. I smiled at how silly I had been, but I also appreciated the fact that I was where I was. I realize that I am still healing emotionally, and as time goes by, I won’t be afraid that every headache, bone or muscle pain, cold or fever is a recurrence. That won’t stop me from being vigilant, and it also won’t stop me from living life like there is no tomorrow. I thought to myself, “it is okay to be me, however I feel”. It is okay…and it was.
For one, I realized that I am just now beginning to come to terms with being a cancer survivor. I know, some people might think, well, treatment’s over, it’s done, and that’s it, but for most breast cancer survivors, as I am sure is true for others who survive cancer, the treatment is the first phase of dealing with the disease, the other part is dealing with the aftermath, because your life is never the same again.
I have met some people who have had breast cancer and want to forget about it. I can respect their wishes, but I just can’t forget. I refuse. I owe it to myself to remember. I owe it to the women being diagnosed every few minutes to remember. I owe it to the ones who survive on this Earth, and the ones whose souls survive, but their physical bodies don’t, and they move on to the next phase of their existence.
I owe it to my daughter and her unborn children. I would never be able to look squarely into her eyes if I did nothing. I owe it to the future generations of people who may be affected by breast cancer. Whenever I look in the mirror and wonder what mark I want to leave in the world, I know that I owe it to me. I owe it to my grandmother, Louise who passed away last year, right after my treatment, because she is watching over me and I told her that I would make a change and make the world a better place, if only for one person, I would do it, as she had for many.
Breast cancer survivorship is such an integral part of me and who I am now and how I have redefined myself. It is not to say that my life is all about breast cancer, but it changed my life in some pretty scary, amazing, wonderful and unpredictable ways. It bettered my life in ways I wouldn’t have imagined, but it also left me with some questions that I wonder about, not every day, but often enough….like two weeks ago.
I was feeling nauseated and ignored it. I figure, I’ve dealt with chemo and kicked its a-s, so what’s up with this nausea, it’s nothing. I can handle this… It will pass. Well, it didn’t. Four days later, it had gotten worse, I began throwing up, and scared to eat, didn’t eat or drink much and well, I ended up in the emergency room getting fluids and a dose of my favorite anti-nausea medication, Zofran. Zofran was my best friend during chemo, and it was my best friend again that day…good ole Zofran. Haha. For those of you who know me, you know I laugh at just about everything…okay…no digressing. Anyway, what struck me about that experience was that, by the time I got to the emergency room, I felt so bad that I had convinced myself that it was cancer all over again. I couldn’t stand up straight, I was in such pain and so nauseated. I was totally convinced that it was last year all over again. By the time I got to the doctor’s station to be examined, I was nearly in hysterics – mostly internally – but I knew I was there. For most people who haven’t dealt with something like cancer, they can never imagine what it is like to get the flu or a cold or something as simple as a headache and immediately start worrying about metastasis or recurrence. People think you’re making a big deal out of nothing, but they don’t understand that when you fight something like cancer and beat it, as strong as you are, there is always that thought in the back of your mind…what if.
Now, I am a firm believer in the Creator and have oceans of faith, but I also believe that there is a season for everything, every person and every creature, and when it is time to go, it is time to go; but, my season is now, and especially after surviving cancer, I love my season more than ever and I’m determined not to go anywhere…and I’m not –at least not for at least 70 or 80 years. I’m determined to live to be over a hundred, and you know I’ll do it.
After I got home from the hospital, I lay curled up in a fetal position for what seemed like an eternity, then, soon enough, I was back up and out in the world. As I walked into work that Monday, tugging my laptop behind me, with my purse on my arm, cell phone in one hand, Starbucks in the other, and my face turned up toward the sun, I closed my eyes, smiled, and thought to myself, “It is so damned good to be alive!” Then, I yelled it out loud, “I’m ALIVE!!!!!” A lady in a car slowed and looked at me strangely, but that’s okay. She didn’t understand; and that was okay. The warmth of the sun felt beautiful. I loved the way the light kissed my face. I felt better. The doctor had told me that it wasn’t cancer again. I smiled at how silly I had been, but I also appreciated the fact that I was where I was. I realize that I am still healing emotionally, and as time goes by, I won’t be afraid that every headache, bone or muscle pain, cold or fever is a recurrence. That won’t stop me from being vigilant, and it also won’t stop me from living life like there is no tomorrow. I thought to myself, “it is okay to be me, however I feel”. It is okay…and it was.
posted by Tigerlily Foundation @ 9:12 PM
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